Forgive me readers for I have not written- it has been 2 weeks since my last post. #Catholicguilt
I haven’t posted because I started serving tables again. It literally sucks all creative life/ life out of me in general. Double shifts in NY consists of 12+hr shifts- no breaks. That’s not legal No shit, but no one cares. The good news however, is standing and hustling across a restaurant for hours on end is really thinning out my thighs. Really? You look exactly the same? Except really tired and haggard. Not in a heroin chic kind of way either…like in that actual way.
Anyway- I figured I would whip out some serving moments. Compare and contrast LA Douche to NY Asshole. #StereotypeFun
Do comment below on your serving memories AND/OR about a horribly rude server. Hell! Lets turn this comment section into a full on YELP review. ;)
#ServerLifeLA: (Customer waves angrily at me) I wave back and don’t go to the table right away. I don’t need to be flagged down. I am not an airplane. If I were, I assure you I would be flying to the Maldives not flying to your table to be of service to you. And if I were an airplane, I would be flying for United and would drag you out of this restaurant with excessive force.
#ServerLifeNY: (Customer snaps fingers at me) I walk over and dramatically bow. “How can I be of service to you Madame.” The husband bursts out laughing and fist bumps me. The wife was not amused by my rude point out that I am your server- not your servant. She did however apologize… two points for servers everywhere.
#ServerLifeLA: Customer: “I’m gluten free, have a peanut allergy, can’t do spicy, hate fish, and on a low carb diet. Oh! and dairy free. I feel bad cows get their boobs tugged at every day. What are my options?”
I take a deep breath in. “Leaves?”
She stares not getting my dry humor. “Excuse me?”
I repeat myself with forced enthusiasm and a hair flick. “Kale. Our salads are like super healthy, farm to table, organic, and handled with tender love and care. Plus, there’s like quinoa in it, so you don’t need to harm any animals for protein. I’ll have chef put the dressing on the side in our cute little cups just in case there’s way too many calories. #Fitlife am I right?!”
She smiles at me. “OMG YASS!”
Yah…That really was an interaction I shit you not.
#ServerLifeNY: Customer: “I have a Groupon.”
Me, “I have indigestion. That, or I am finally having the big one. Honestly, I hope it’s the latter. I want to go home. I’ll get my manager.”
Customer to my manager, “She is the funniest waitress I’ve ever met.”
Manager to me, “Quit being so nice to people. You’ll make us all look bad.”
#ServerLifeLA: Customer: “I’m a blogger.” I stare bewildered as he sets up a light kit for the professional set my table has now become. I look at the blueberry pancakes who most certainty didn't look camera ready. They must be petrified being that this is their big break. -_-
Me laughing a little, “I’ll get my manager for your well-deserved full comp.”
Manager to me, “The customer complained you don’t look enthused about the pancake photo shoot and it’s hindering his creative energy. Now go bring over this bacon with a smile.”
#ServerLifeNY: Customer: “Let me guess…you’re an actor/model!? How cute! You know I just saw that show on Broadway with that Actor. What’s his name.”
Me: “Oh what’s his name?! He is phenomenal in that.” -_-
#ServerLifeLA: Customer: “What was the last project you worked on?”
Me: “I’m just auditioning right now. I just shot for YMI Jeans though.
Customer looks me up and down. “Oh right, Curvy is a thing now.”
#ServerLifeNY: I see customers struggling to take a selfie and get the beautiful Hudson River fully in the photo. I go over to them to ask if they want me to take their photo. I genuinely care about my customer’s satisfaction with my service. It has nothing at all to do with my tip. ;) “Would ya’ll like me to take your photo!?”
Customer, “You are the sweetest waitress ever! Yes please!”
#ServerLifeLA: (repeat from above.) Customer looks at me like I am stupid. “No. I look way better in a selfie. I perfected it. Plus, we are using snapchat filters because we look adorable as doggy’s.” -_-
#ServerLifeNY: (I work on an outside patio) Customer, “Can I smoke at the table?”
I raise an eyebrow. “I don’t think that’s been allowed since the early 90’s, but you can smoke over there in the parking lot.”
Customer shakes their head annoyed, “What is this country turning into!?”
#ServerLifeLA: Customer very annoyed fanning the air away from her face with her menu. “Can you please close the windows and door. Someone is smoking outside and it’s completely ruining my brunch experience!”
#ServerLifeNY: Busiest the place had been and I was running a little behind after being triple sat. Trying not to sound flustered, but totally was. "Your burgers will be right out. Sorry for the delay! Beer and Burgers ya'll are doing dinner right!"
Customer pulls the chair out next to me. “Here. Sit down! Can we buy you a beer? This place is nuts! Plus, you’re funny. Hang out with us. Put in 3 more Blue Moons and have one over there by your computer thing, If you aren’t allowed to sit with us.” I graciously thank them and wish I could just sit down.
#ServerLifeLA: Brings over fancy Bourbon drinks to the table. “Man. I wish I could have one of these! They look delicious!” The 3 men stare at me as if I am daft. Which I am daft, but that’s not the point here. The awkward silence lingers. I love making people feel cringe awkward, so I stay even longer when clearly they want me gone.
Customer finally, “Do you say that to all your customers or just the good looking ones?”
Me inwardly: (FACE PALM) I wasn't asking to have the drink with you nor was I talking about ya'll. I was talking about....know what? Forget it.
#ServerLifeNY: Customer looks me up and down. “Why are you a waitress? You’re too pretty to be one. There are plenty of rich men around you know? Can I have one of those ugly ones over their serve me? I don’t want my pig husband hitting on you the whole time.”
I couldn’t warrant any part of this with a response.
#ServerLifeLA: Customer, “I love how good looking the staff is here. It’s so on trend right now to have model servers.” Me: Looks up to the sky wishing Zeus would kill me with a lighting bolt already.
#ServerLifeNY: Customer telling her kid to shut up and behave. “Ugh! I have no idea how my babysitter does this every day! She’ll have chicken fingers and fries. Kids like that right? Elizabeth you want fries right?” Kid won’t look away from her cellphone and nods a yes.
#ServerLifeLA: Customer speaking to 5-year-old. “Celestial Zenith? Listen hunny. Tell the lady what you want to eat. Use your words.” My eyes are still popped at her name. Good luck learning how to spell that one hunny.
Celestial Zenith, “I’ll…um…I’ll have the Revive juice and a dozen of your Blue Point Oysters.”
Oysters at 5?! I mean, she still eats her own snot so oysters aren’t so far off I guess.
I kneel down just to make sure. “You sure you want Oysters?”
She nods smiling. “Yes. Daddy always gets them for Mommy to romance her. That or shoes.”
I honestly have nothing here. This mom is doing life right unlike me.
Before you even ask...Yes I am this much of a smartass to people. It’s apart of my charm. Take me or leave me. #Ashleyisms
(Throws up two peace signs like a rock star. )
-Ashley Brooke Walter-
Hey there! I hope my sarcastic humor transends off your screen or you may find me obnoxious. Which is OK with me! After all, I am a New Yorker as well as an American. (Yes. I love stereotypes when applicable.)