That right there is me. I didn’t even edit or filter the crap out of that selfie so that ya’ll can really know what I look like. REALLY look like- with just a bit of Mascara and tinted moisturizer. I am low maintenance, but a girl should never leave the house without some Mascara, even if it’s clear. The eyelashes flash the windows of our souls. They are statement pieces of the body really. #Ashleyisms -Anyway! That’s Me! Not modeling or acting. Where I have a team of genie’s painting me to perfection with their brushes, or a photographer who later on brushes my flaws away in post. LIER! No seriously! The photo to the right is me writing this blog post with my two cats. The one that looks like a Satanic whoosh is #CharlesXavierTheCat. The orange blob running away from the jaws of death is Sherman- My Mom’s Cat… My laptop fell right after this selfie. I am that crazy cat lady. To set the record straight, I was one before it became Instagram cool. (eye roll) Um okay…EW choke on a hairball lady!
The bold italics btw, is my bitchy stalker’s reaction to reading my blog. Her names is Mia. Yes. I like to pretend I am special enough to have someone stalking me. I know I’m not, but don’t ruin this for me, alright? I don’t have much to desperately cling to because I need validation that badly. I mean, I am an actor, writer, and model. If that doesn’t scream, “I DESPERATLY NEED THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS!!!” I don’t know what does. Anyway, we all should pretend we are special enough to have a stalker. 2nd #Ashleyisms given! Know you are special enough that people want, and do in fact stalk you. See! Someone cares about you enough to creep on your life. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Blogs, technology in general, is always stalking you my friends. Yes! Even if you turned off iCloud on your photos…someone who shouldn’t somewhere has your nudes. Accept it. I did. I mean check this article out in the NY TIMES. I know Carey on Homeland was shady, but not this shady! https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/08/technology/personaltech/defense-against-cia-hacking.html?_r=0
Yup- Like Santa, the CIA is always watching! (Waves to camera on my MacBook Air) :]
Also, #Ashleyisms are either quotes or advice by me. Egotistical Maniac! I know I am, and I LOVE THAT FACT about me, myself, and I!
Moving on… I’m 26 years old. Really? Your fine lines say ATLEAST 29. Thank God! 25 was horrid. 25 was that year that forced me to grow up and realize I am 5 years from 30 and need to get my shit together, or somewhat together. Okay, not together at all! Just pay tons of bills, have all types of insurance, and pretend I’m somewhat of an adult. Yes, I said God before. Am I hella religious? Absolutely not.
Ugh! The Catholic in me feels terrible guilt for saying that now.
I’m actually very “Spiritual.”
Now the Catholic in me just sprinkled me with Holy water for the sinner I have become.
Hmm…Come to think of it? I actually wish there WAS a Catholic IN me…I haven’t had sex in months!... I digress! ;]
Even though I said the words hella and spiritual, I must clarify I’m not from LA. I just lived there for a year and a half. It feels GOOD to be back home in New York. I had no idea what a New Yorker I was until I left. What can I say? I’m a brat. I don’t realize what I have until it’s gone. I’ll admit it. I’ll admit to a lot of things in this here blog. I am not PC. I won’t be PC for the sake of being PC either. I may offend some people. I’m off the cuff, I don’t particularly care if I offend you, used the verb wrong, forgot a comma, spelled something wrong. Oh yah, you know who you are reading this and already ripping on my writing. You can get the hell off my Blog! (Points angrily to that little “X” on the top right hand corner of your screen.) There’s the virtual door! LEAVE! I’m just kidding. I’m not mad, but I’ll pretend to care to entertain your anal ways.
Haha I just said anal in my first blog post. :]
I’m sarcastic. I have no idea if my sarcastic smart ass will shine through these words. I sure hope it does. I tend to curse a lot, so if I offend you with my language I apologize. (Points to the little "X" on the right hand side of your screen again,)
I contradict myself often. I play devil’s advocate. I lie in the middle of every issue. Seriously, I lie there. I’m a very sleepy woman. Some say I fear committing to anything or fear accountability for my actions/mouth. To those people I say, Yes. You have a valid point. I’m working on it. Probably until the day I die. #Ashleyisms Why do you think I fear having kids? That’s just a walking accountability of my actions that one night I decided to not use protection with a future husband that I still can’t fully admit I committed myself to. What an asshole. Yes. Yes, I am fully aware I’m an asshole and a bit of a cunt. TRASH TRASH TRASH! Who uses that language!? Most actors, comedians, and like everyone in the UK. Chill Mia.
I love all things Disney. Winnie the Pooh is my spirit animal #Ashleyisms. Sometimes I’m super cute. Other times, I’m the spawn of Satan plotting to take the souls of the world with all the cats by my side aiding me. Sometimes I laugh at evil things, or random violence, or scenes in Quentin Tarantino films that are so violent people stare at me in the theater for being a sociopath. Other times, I’m quite AF taking in all of my surroundings enjoying the beauty of the world around me, gaining energy from the vast universe. Yes, Buddha like I am. For those of you not cool enough to pick up on this…I said that like Yoda. As you can see I have many sides. My shrink says, “Multiple Personality Disorder” We have a good laugh at how dramatic she is every Wednesday. #Ashleyisms That’s SO insensitive! My aunt Milly has that Disorder. (Feverishly writes bad review.)
Honestly, I am a twenty something…I’m a walking disaster. If it seems I have my shit together I most likely do not, but I appreciate you thinking I do. I embrace the mess. I never say the right thing nor will I ever. More than once a month, I too lash out in fits of passionate rage. Some of you will get me, others won’t. Some of you will find me hilarious others won’t. It’s really okay. You will never be everyone’s cup of tea. I embrace my crazy and not so perfect self. Perhaps it’s because I read, “YOU ARE A BADASS” by Jen Sincero. http://www.jensincero.com I tell everyone to read this book and no one listens to me!
Honestly, you should never listen to me. If you happen to though, read this book. It changed my life. It will do marvelous things for you if you put in the honest work. Now I am not going to be one of those eye roll worthy positive rainbows and butterfly blogs. Nor will I talk about gluten free, sugar free, vegan friendly, flavor free foods either. Nothing against those things of course, it’s just not me to talk about those types of things. It’s not me to talk about shit about fuck in a blog either. YET! Here I am typing away…so Fuck it! Maybe I will one day blog about health nut foods. As you can see, I never say never. Just like Justin Bieber. I’m not a fan of his though, just agree with his quote and/or movie title. GASPS! -_- I most definitely will blog about food often. I love food. I love pie. I don't have a sweet tooth. I'm just a fatass.
As I mentioned, I never saw myself as the blogging type. I wrote a contemporary romance novel and plan on writing two more in the series, as well as one day writing a snarky self-help book. Yes. I am a bit of a romantic. Don’t tell anyone though. I pretend to not have a heart. So when my theatrical agent, ML, came out excitedly, “YOU SHOULD WRITE A BLOG!”
I immediately scoffed at her with a big huge, “EW! Me? Write A BLOG?! I know I sold out and did a stint in LA, but don’t be offensive. I didn’t drink the tap.” #Ashleyisms
I actually did drink the tap in LA- it tasted like shit compared to NY tap water. Working as a server, I learned all about the negatives from my guests on the tap water and how I should never admit to drinking it. I learned a shit ton of utter nonsense from my guests in LA, but that is a different entry entirely. I digress. I’ll digress a lot btw, so try and keep up with my rambling.
I will post a lot of advice/musings on life. Most advice will be given ironically, sarcastically, spastically, and rudely. I’ll give advice for/on men, women, and children of all ages! Actually not children. They repulse me. Says a former nanny/babysitter. They actually don’t, but like my romantic side, I like to pretend I don’t like children. Admitting to a man or a child you LIKE them is just unwise. #Ashleyisms You can’t let these little shits know your weakness admitting a like for them. That gives them the upper hand. Fuck that. You let them work for your attention and undying love. Let them worship the ground you walk on. Let them know you grace them with your presence like the Yass! Queen! that you are …Not the other way around.
See that! My advice giving has already begun! I know a lot about a little and this is why my life’s so full of loved ones! (Looks around empty room. Sees #CharlesXavierTheCat.) God she is pathetic! Little joke. I’m actually not alone. I take pride in having a full life. What is a career and success without loved ones around to share it with and laugh at you? #Ashleyisms See. I contradict myself ;)
I will post a lot of advice on life in general. Take it or leave it. I won’t be offended either way. I’ll post wonderful advice for actors and models. Says the girl writing a fucking blog with no epically amazing success behind her. I am agency represented all over the US and have done some pretty cool things… so don’t be too much of a critic of me okay? Plus, you can learn from my mistakes?
I’ll share things to do in Manhattan, things to do outside of Manhattan in the beautiful Hudson Valley where I am from and currently living again... with Mom and Dad. Ok. Yes. I admit when I’m pathetic too. No shame here. LA put me terribly in the red. I need to save up to move back into Manhattan in a few months with someone. OMG FINALLY! Something interesting!!! She said someone!? Is it a man? A woman? Is it a friend? Is it more!? The suspense is killing me!
Wow. Look at all this sharing I’ve already done! My therapist would be so proud of me! I actually don’t have a therapist. One would have a field day with me though. For starters, I still sleep with my stuffed animal from childhood. I know. Fucked up- fully aware of it. As they say, the first step of change is admitting there is a problem. I admit. There is no problem. Geezus she really does need help!
I welcome any slander, harsh words, hate of any kind. Remember that is a reflection of you not me. I welcome comments, questions, suggestions you may have for me. I feel similarly to Henry David Thoreau when he said, “The greatest compliment that was ever paid to me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” Just when you thought I was another annoying blonde girl named Ashley writing a blog- I will sprinkle some wise words onto you. Why?
I like keeping people guessing on who I am as a person. #Ashleyisms We live in a society that wants to compartmentalize, type cast, pigeon hole, “be” a certain way/thing so that everything is understood clearly. I said fuck that a long time ago. I don’t want to be just one thing/way neither should you. I never care about “fitting in” I’m just me. Take me or leave me. I’m just human being human. It’s all beautifully chaotic. If that is one thing you take from this first entry take it. BE YOU. After all, you are the only you on this vast and wonderful planet, so be the best crazy, silly, funny, not funny, talented, untalented, queer, straight, yellow, brown, smart, dumb, fucked up you, you can possibly be! You gorgeous lil snowflake you! :) That was kind of PC? I did say I contradict myself!
Anyway, here is Chuck Norris kicking a salt shaker at an old man’s nose in a health-care commercial
(Throws up two peace signs like a rock star)
-Ashley Brooke Walter-
This is the longest Blog post I will ever write. This was too much work. ;]
Hey there! I hope my sarcastic humor transends off your screen or you may find me obnoxious. Which is OK with me! After all, I am a New Yorker as well as an American. (Yes. I love stereotypes when applicable.)