I walk outside to have a crisp stinging winter wind bitch slap my face so hard I almost fall over on the icy steps below me. I let out an odd dinosaur sounding half sigh half moan as I attempt to open Lil Rolla 2.0’s door. I stopped Pilates Plus when I moved back home, but there is no way in hell I’m this weak. I give one more final yank to the half frozen shut door. SWOOSH! It creaks free swinging open full force with a gust of wind. The bottom of the door shin kicks me like an obnoxious snot 8-year-old girl shopping at Barney’s would. I curse my existence as I do often. Warming up my car for 15 minutes. How I’ve missed you!
I kinda dislike myself for actually loving the North East the most. It’s like I personally enjoy torturing myself. Of course I wasn’t happy in beautiful sunny warm California where people barely worked. Of course I want to be back in frozen over hell where my frigid bitch persona fits in perfectly and people still call me at 11pm for work…on a Saturday. I once had a girl in LA ask why I wear so much black. I lifted up my huge black sunglasses and replied, “I’m mourning my life.” #Ashleyisms I wasn’t about to admit to this wanna-be hipster (aka- wanna- be living in Bushwick, BK, but doesn’t realize that in small vegan bubble life Silverlake) that I wear mostly black because it hides most of my jigglier bits. There is no hiding your jiggly bits. Your hip width will make for a condominium size space for your babies one day. Everyone in fashion has even told you such!
As I sit there shivering in the cold I decide now’s a good quite time to meditate. By mediate- I mean I simply close my eyes and begin inhaling and exhaling very deeply focusing only on my breath. This always works best for me. Listening intently to my breath reminds me of the ocean’s waves. Which for those of you who don’t know me, I have a yearning for the Sea. No, I’m not basic. I don’t claim to be a #Landmermaid . Maybe I was a pirate in a past life. I do enjoy their code.
Anyway, after 6 minutes of deep breathing, I wasn’t annoyed anymore that my car still felt like the Arctic Circle that’s swaying by wind gusts, that I gave up a warmer climate, that health insurance is more confusing than life itself, that someone I adore is so very far away, or that my scarf doesn’t match my gloves. SOMEONE?! I know everything about you! Who is this person!?
I open my eyes and actually had zero thoughts in my head and glanced at my window. There were these perfect snowflakes slowly running down my window enjoying the last few minutes of life before turning back to water. Yup that’s me. A snowflake killer. I did however snap a picture of it quickly so that I can remember it’s beautiful glory for forever and share it with ya’ll. As I said in my first post, ya’ll are gorgeous lil snowflakes and now maybe you see why I would say that. They are so special and unique in their own way. Every inch of nature really is incredible. Okay. Is she seriously on a bout a fucking snowflake?! Listen Ilse from Frozen get to the point!
I’m just sharing with you that sometimes we need to stop. Really stop and STFU for a second. Tell that voice inside your head, in my case, twenty voices- to simmer down so that you can fully be in a moment #Ashleyisms Try doing this at least once a day if only for a minute. It really changes your whole perception and domineer. You realize what a gift it is to even be conscious in this moment. It’s more than most people can say. Deep breathing or meditation quiets your whole nervous system down. Relieving even just a morsel of stress for a millisecond goes a long way. The voices may go away, but I never will!
If you still like to make fun of yourself like I do, but want to try mediation- this is the best video for you. With positive affirmations like, “Those bitches can’t get under your skin. They can’t even.” “Just feel the fucking nonsense go away.” “Breathe in strength- breathe out bullshit” This man is a genius. I want Jason Headley and I to be bestie after finding this video.
For those of you also like me into this shit, read this article in the Huffington Post on how Meditation scientifically calms the body. You’ll feel educated after reading this. Some biggum words in this here article.
I mean, Jesus meditated, Buddha, the Dali Lama, I think most of India, and monks spend their whole lives meditating. They all seem super docile and happy if you ask me. I mean Ninja’s even meditate! They seem pretty calm until they run after you full speed screaming throwing a Ninja Star at your head. Since I’m jumpier then a kernel of corn about to pop, more emotionally complicated then Chinese Algebra, and more irritable then a poked bear…mediation helps. If you are too lazy to mediate, well then there’s always Xanax or a therapy dog. #Ashleyisms
When will she learn she’s helpless? Plus, I have a real anxiety disorder where I need Xanax and a therapy dog you insensitive blonde bitch of a human being!
Mia darling…breatheeee ;]
(Throws up two peace signs like a rock star)
-Ashley Brooke Walter-
Hey there! I hope my sarcastic humor transends off your screen or you may find me obnoxious. Which is OK with me! After all, I am a New Yorker as well as an American. (Yes. I love stereotypes when applicable.)