It’s been awhile since I have posted. Which I believe I said that last time as well. What can I say...I can only spread myself in so many directions before one direction gets a little lost. I apologize. Then again, I think only a select few read my random ramblings. NO ONE READS THEM.
I used to be a Hot Yogi. I mean went unlimited for a year. I was sweating out my feelings, my problems, my toxins, breathing in life force, and exhaling toxic thoughts on the reg. I then moved to Hell-A where it was so dry my lungs felt dusty. The last thing I wanted to do was sweat in a musty hot yoga studio. So I stopped. I stopped practicing all together. Most likely because I let the energy vampires of that dream killing industry filled place suck the energy out of me. I’m actually serious.
-_- My vibes were so off in this city on a personal level. Everyone's experience/journey/path is different, so don't go off what I say about Hell-A. Plus, it led me to grow up in so many ways I wouldn't change the experience for anything in this world. I also found my love there. Said no one ever dating in that city! haha. Ironically & Sarcastically existing there was a lot of fun together. Your love? LOVE!? You can't just throw the L word around and go back to stupid Yoga/ meditation bullshit Ashley!
Now back in New York I find myself connecting back with the Earth. Probably because everything is lushly green, dense, and gorgeously flowered because it is finally summer here. Happy Summer Solstice! I walk barefoot in the soft deep green grass and feel the Earthly vibrations. Granted, I pray I don’t get a tick bite, slap a spider off my leg, and then smack myself trying to kill the Mosquito that may or may not have given me Zika virus. I love being back here in the Hudson Valley. #Ashleyisms The birds chirping away, the butterflies fluttering about, the random buzz of a bumble bee whizzing by. I just feel like there’s so much more life here. Perhaps it’s only because it is home and what’s familiar. Whatever the factual reasons are, I am much happier being back here. I don’t wish to sweat in hot yoga anymore. I practice a basic Vinyasa Flow to calm my body down for some mediation. My Mantra has become BREATHE. I tend to get a tad stressed out. By tad…I mean I wear a mouth guard whilst I sleep because all I do is grit my teeth together so hard my jaw has refused to open on countless occasions. Okay. Two things Ash. 1) That is so not sexy. 2) Your jaw doesn’t open? Great for your bulging waistline, not so good for the imaginary man you claim to have. 3.) He deff is imaginary because YOU WEAR A MOUTHGUARD?! Ew. "Sup guys" (I'm actually cracking up at myself sitting alone with my cat talking with a lisp making fun of myself. )
Yes, stress kills me at times. It’s amazing how when we are bundled up with stress, worries, busy days… how we hold our breath or take short pent up breaths causing our bodies to tighten worse, thus becoming more entangled in stresses. Remember, this too is temporary. When we take big controlled breaths in and really focus on it, we not only connect back with our bodies, but connect back to the endless energy force around us. Which is why I think I am happier in my lush woods of New York. The energy source is soooooo incredibly strong here its downright exciting at times! What in the actual hell are you on about in this post?
Yoga / Meditation is what I’m on about. We are so busy bustling around like idiots we forget to slow down and check in with ourselves, our bodies, our energy source. You sound like a hippy freak! Yes, perhaps I do. (Takes deep breath in) You should try it...even if you sound like the Grinch. ;)
(Throws up two peace signs like a rock star. )
- Brooke Walter-
Never will I forget the excitement of my first time on a real film set. Nor the exciting buzz like high energy of even hearing I booked the role of Stella! Thank You Datari Turner, Shawn Baker, and casting director Mellicent Dyane for trusting me with this troubled, yet lovable character that was Stella. Fall 2014 seems like so long ago and it is so humbling to see that my first ever Feature Film has been picked up by NETFLIX ! I say that is a mighty good start in Indie world :) Thank you for all of you who have reached out to me with screen shots, kind words, excitement, encouragement, compliments, and praise. It has been such a humbling heart warming moment for me. Especially in this tough industry when there are plenty of stalemates before the next firework like high sets off!
Check out the trailer here before heading on over to NETFLIX to watch :)
So I found this easy gem hike whilst playing Super fantastical bestest Aunt Ash. That’s right, I have a niece and nephew whom I am trusted with. It’s terrifying. I drove about 20 miles under the speed limit. I have no idea how parents live with literally precious parts of them walking around this earth.
ANYWAY, this hike is so easy I shouldn’t even call it a hike. It’s an easy stroll. It’s a walk in the Hudson Valley. It's Little Stony Point. hikethehudsonvalley.com/little-stony-point/
When you are on the verge of a mental fricken break down- come to the Hudson Valley. Where you will contract seasonal allergies that you never knew you had and may or may not get a tick bite. #Ashleyisms (I should be the advertising director for the these here parts!) It’ll calm your troubled mind. It’ll be a breath of fresh air Xanax. Even when the sky is a darker white lump and the Hudson River is a milky brown you will enjoy the beauty of it. You mean when it’s cloudy and the River is dirty? Don’t be poetic. Yes, even on a grayer day, this little stroll will fill you with relaxation where all your worries are left miles away in Manhattan.
Sit your sorry little ass down on a picturesque driftwood like log on a beach. Who knew rivers had beaches?! Look out on the vast Hudson River. Have a deep philosophical moment where you think about how the River flows onward to the vast great blue- that is the Atlantic. Okay, have a common sense moment that will make you feel philosophical for a millisecond.
Listen to the gentle laps of the river’s teeny tiny “waves.” Connect with nature. Connect with your higher self. Be one with the universe. Ask it things like, “What the fuck has my life become?” and “How did I turn out this way?” Your answers lie in the music of the swaying trees. What the hell are you on about? Shh… Mia close your eyes and breathe in luck and prosperity.
Down the road is the eclectically amazing artsy town of Cold Springs. http://www.coldspringliving.com
They filmed parts of the tantalizing HBO series, THE AFFAIR here. If you don’t know this show- binge watch it. It’s scandalously mind numbing. The last season was weak. The acting is par excellent. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2699110/?ref_=nv_sr_1 Plus, the hot dude from Dawson’s Creek and the Mighty Ducks plays the bruiting character of Cole. #QUACKQUACKQUACK #90sgirlproblems #JoshuaJackson #YassCanada
Cold Springs has many Vintage and Antique stores. I mean there are so many, one wonders how cheap the rent is of this town. Upon walking in these gems, you are walking through time itself. Who knew this crap looking tea set belonged to some British Lady living in the “colonies?” Or this first edition real leather bound book that’s falling apart in your hands was, “To Amelia from your James across the sea with love.” There are racks and racks of mothball smelling dresses, jackets, and trousers. (That’s what they call pants in vintage stores.) If you are artsy, deep, and at all care about life outside the millennial’s pea brain… come to these shops. Educate yourself on stuffs and things.
Once you have satisfied your soul with the mom and pop town take a walk back to the Hudson River’s edge and end your day satisfied by the best, most orgasmic ice cream you have ever had! Moo Moo’s Creamery. https://www.yelp.com/biz/moo-moos-creamery-cold-spring
You won’t be disappointed. I know a lot about a little, but I am borderline, certifiably an ice cream expert. More like certifiably insane. Yes, that too Mia. Take your creamy sweet down to a lovely bench and watch that beautiful water flow onward just like your waistline.
….Wait!? Whose S in that S <3 A ?!?! OMG WAIT WHAT?!
(Throws up two peace signs like a rock star. )
-Ashley Brooke Walter-
Forgive me readers for I have not written- it has been 2 weeks since my last post. #Catholicguilt
I haven’t posted because I started serving tables again. It literally sucks all creative life/ life out of me in general. Double shifts in NY consists of 12+hr shifts- no breaks. That’s not legal No shit, but no one cares. The good news however, is standing and hustling across a restaurant for hours on end is really thinning out my thighs. Really? You look exactly the same? Except really tired and haggard. Not in a heroin chic kind of way either…like in that actual way.
Anyway- I figured I would whip out some serving moments. Compare and contrast LA Douche to NY Asshole. #StereotypeFun
Do comment below on your serving memories AND/OR about a horribly rude server. Hell! Lets turn this comment section into a full on YELP review. ;)
#ServerLifeLA: (Customer waves angrily at me) I wave back and don’t go to the table right away. I don’t need to be flagged down. I am not an airplane. If I were, I assure you I would be flying to the Maldives not flying to your table to be of service to you. And if I were an airplane, I would be flying for United and would drag you out of this restaurant with excessive force.
#ServerLifeNY: (Customer snaps fingers at me) I walk over and dramatically bow. “How can I be of service to you Madame.” The husband bursts out laughing and fist bumps me. The wife was not amused by my rude point out that I am your server- not your servant. She did however apologize… two points for servers everywhere.
#ServerLifeLA: Customer: “I’m gluten free, have a peanut allergy, can’t do spicy, hate fish, and on a low carb diet. Oh! and dairy free. I feel bad cows get their boobs tugged at every day. What are my options?”
I take a deep breath in. “Leaves?”
She stares not getting my dry humor. “Excuse me?”
I repeat myself with forced enthusiasm and a hair flick. “Kale. Our salads are like super healthy, farm to table, organic, and handled with tender love and care. Plus, there’s like quinoa in it, so you don’t need to harm any animals for protein. I’ll have chef put the dressing on the side in our cute little cups just in case there’s way too many calories. #Fitlife am I right?!”
She smiles at me. “OMG YASS!”
Yah…That really was an interaction I shit you not.
#ServerLifeNY: Customer: “I have a Groupon.”
Me, “I have indigestion. That, or I am finally having the big one. Honestly, I hope it’s the latter. I want to go home. I’ll get my manager.”
Customer to my manager, “She is the funniest waitress I’ve ever met.”
Manager to me, “Quit being so nice to people. You’ll make us all look bad.”
#ServerLifeLA: Customer: “I’m a blogger.” I stare bewildered as he sets up a light kit for the professional set my table has now become. I look at the blueberry pancakes who most certainty didn't look camera ready. They must be petrified being that this is their big break. -_-
Me laughing a little, “I’ll get my manager for your well-deserved full comp.”
Manager to me, “The customer complained you don’t look enthused about the pancake photo shoot and it’s hindering his creative energy. Now go bring over this bacon with a smile.”
#ServerLifeNY: Customer: “Let me guess…you’re an actor/model!? How cute! You know I just saw that show on Broadway with that Actor. What’s his name.”
Me: “Oh what’s his name?! He is phenomenal in that.” -_-
#ServerLifeLA: Customer: “What was the last project you worked on?”
Me: “I’m just auditioning right now. I just shot for YMI Jeans though.
Customer looks me up and down. “Oh right, Curvy is a thing now.”
#ServerLifeNY: I see customers struggling to take a selfie and get the beautiful Hudson River fully in the photo. I go over to them to ask if they want me to take their photo. I genuinely care about my customer’s satisfaction with my service. It has nothing at all to do with my tip. ;) “Would ya’ll like me to take your photo!?”
Customer, “You are the sweetest waitress ever! Yes please!”
#ServerLifeLA: (repeat from above.) Customer looks at me like I am stupid. “No. I look way better in a selfie. I perfected it. Plus, we are using snapchat filters because we look adorable as doggy’s.” -_-
#ServerLifeNY: (I work on an outside patio) Customer, “Can I smoke at the table?”
I raise an eyebrow. “I don’t think that’s been allowed since the early 90’s, but you can smoke over there in the parking lot.”
Customer shakes their head annoyed, “What is this country turning into!?”
#ServerLifeLA: Customer very annoyed fanning the air away from her face with her menu. “Can you please close the windows and door. Someone is smoking outside and it’s completely ruining my brunch experience!”
#ServerLifeNY: Busiest the place had been and I was running a little behind after being triple sat. Trying not to sound flustered, but totally was. "Your burgers will be right out. Sorry for the delay! Beer and Burgers ya'll are doing dinner right!"
Customer pulls the chair out next to me. “Here. Sit down! Can we buy you a beer? This place is nuts! Plus, you’re funny. Hang out with us. Put in 3 more Blue Moons and have one over there by your computer thing, If you aren’t allowed to sit with us.” I graciously thank them and wish I could just sit down.
#ServerLifeLA: Brings over fancy Bourbon drinks to the table. “Man. I wish I could have one of these! They look delicious!” The 3 men stare at me as if I am daft. Which I am daft, but that’s not the point here. The awkward silence lingers. I love making people feel cringe awkward, so I stay even longer when clearly they want me gone.
Customer finally, “Do you say that to all your customers or just the good looking ones?”
Me inwardly: (FACE PALM) I wasn't asking to have the drink with you nor was I talking about ya'll. I was talking about....know what? Forget it.
#ServerLifeNY: Customer looks me up and down. “Why are you a waitress? You’re too pretty to be one. There are plenty of rich men around you know? Can I have one of those ugly ones over their serve me? I don’t want my pig husband hitting on you the whole time.”
I couldn’t warrant any part of this with a response.
#ServerLifeLA: Customer, “I love how good looking the staff is here. It’s so on trend right now to have model servers.” Me: Looks up to the sky wishing Zeus would kill me with a lighting bolt already.
#ServerLifeNY: Customer telling her kid to shut up and behave. “Ugh! I have no idea how my babysitter does this every day! She’ll have chicken fingers and fries. Kids like that right? Elizabeth you want fries right?” Kid won’t look away from her cellphone and nods a yes.
#ServerLifeLA: Customer speaking to 5-year-old. “Celestial Zenith? Listen hunny. Tell the lady what you want to eat. Use your words.” My eyes are still popped at her name. Good luck learning how to spell that one hunny.
Celestial Zenith, “I’ll…um…I’ll have the Revive juice and a dozen of your Blue Point Oysters.”
Oysters at 5?! I mean, she still eats her own snot so oysters aren’t so far off I guess.
I kneel down just to make sure. “You sure you want Oysters?”
She nods smiling. “Yes. Daddy always gets them for Mommy to romance her. That or shoes.”
I honestly have nothing here. This mom is doing life right unlike me.
Before you even ask...Yes I am this much of a smartass to people. It’s apart of my charm. Take me or leave me. #Ashleyisms
(Throws up two peace signs like a rock star. )
-Ashley Brooke Walter-
I had the wonderful opportunity of shooting in the Metropolitan Building yesterday. (http://www.metropolitanbuilding.com ) with Lindsay Adler Photography (http://www.lindsayadlerphotography.com/index) and the www.societyofxxv.com/ (Society of Twenty Five is an international group made up of some of the finest photographers in the world. ) The main photo that looks like a Romance Novel cover was taken by Jen Hillenga and John Marion put his editing swing on the image.
Ew SO LA of you! 5 name drops in one sentence?!? GROSS! Honestly Mia, I’m with you on that. That was pretty eye roll of me. BUT
Everything has been shot here- from Vanity Fair to Marie Claire, to Vogue. It has become a recognizable shooting space and it was exceptional watching the photographers use lighting techniques to make the space look completely different. The space screams bridal so I am sure many people opt to get their bridal photos done here. If marriage was something I was in to, I would totally want part of my shoot here. I’ll never be a Bridezilla or anything, but since modeling has been a part of my life as well as photos, bridal dresses, hair, and makeup…you bet my bougie ass will make damn sure my photos are YASSS standards!! Who am I kidding? I’ll end up eloping in a bourbon induced coma. Which even then, I bet the groom will have to drag me down the aisle. Assuming that there even is a man crazy enough to want to drag me down said aisle. #Ashleyisms
The grandiose mirrors everywhere leave you curious as to the many faces reflected in them over the years. The chairs and couches are so wonderfully worn down, the antique pictures, paintings, and statues leave you guessing to whom they once belonged, and the weathered wood floors creaking under your feet leave you guessing if you may fall through. The huge drafty windows also aided to this marvelous buildings’ vintage appeal. You truly feel as if you walked straight into a piece of interior design history. I don’t know about ya’ll, but I want to copy and paste that library room into my apartment!
The Metropolitan building is located in Long Island City, Queens. 3rd stop off the 7 from Grand Central or take the E from Penn Station and get off Court St. “Dating from 1909, the same year the Queensboro Bridge was built, the Metropolitan Building was first an electrical parts factory. Seventy years later it was long vacant and in a sad state of disrepair. In 1980, Eleanor Ambos, who had a successful antique furniture rental business in Manhattan, bought the building for storage and to accommodate a variety of artisans to set up their studios and work rooms. It quickly transformed into a venue for photo shoots and films. It is truly a unique space that inspires the imagination.” (This is straight from the About section of the buildings website)
If you’ve never heard of this place do check it out. I promise you it’s as cool as it looks.
As some of you may know. I am an actor. For those of you who didn’t know that…look at the fricken tabs on top of your screen. (eye roll) I’m sorry… that was a little aggressive. I’ve been a little aggressive today. I was at the DMV for way too long. Honestly, the government should use the DMV as a torture tactic. #Ashleyisms Just toss all the shady mofo’s into the DMV and lock the doors. I bet in 20 minutes or less they’ll be telling you who killed who in the desert with a candlestick. No one cares about the fing DMV.
Right, back to the topic at hand, “Self-Doubt.” A lot of my friends who are in the industry come to me with a lot of woes about the hardships of the Entertainment Industry. Day in and day out of rejection splashed with hope crushed with a beautiful Prada heel. Self- Doubt plagues the whole universe. Hell, even Pluto doubts it’s a planet now. Trust me. I get it. I’ve ugly cried enough tears, I could have my own tear ocean with an island made of remorse. I’ve been told no in more awful ways then I knew was logically possible. I’ve choked under pressure. I’ve lost sleep over that one audition I completely through away and Lord knows when I’ll even get another one ever again. I've put rent one to many times on credit, I've questioned wtf it is I'm chasing after, I’ve ditched my life and started a new one, then ditched that new one to start a new one. I’ve failed so many times in my field that if Bush’s, “No child left behind rule” was in my industry, it would become null and void at this point. #Ashleyisms
Some of us are so plagued by self-doubt we still haven’t asked that girl or guy out, asked for a raise from that asshole boss, written the next best confusing TV show since LOST, left the small town bubble to become a rock star, or gotten that organic hand knitted kitten sweater line up on Etsy yet. Yup, we just sit and well in the puddles of our own tears crippled by the little voice that runs on loop in our heads. The voice that is screaming, “You shouldn’t have a blog because you honestly suck in general, let alone suck at writing a blog?” Ash, that’s not a voice inside of your head. It’s me, Mia. I am Legitimately sitting here starring at you in disgust as you type this shit post because you forgot it’s Wednesday where your suppose to blog. MIA! For Fucc…sake! Be quiet!
Self-doubt is nothing but our emotions getting the best of us in my opinion. The thing you got to remember is we are in control of our emotions. If you let them they will use you. They will crush you. They will keep you stuck and they most definitely will keep you boring AF. Unless you are one of those overly emotional types that cry a lot…then they will keep you crying in which case stop. Control yourself. Lock it up. No one likes a weeper.
We have enough critics in our lives. Enough people telling us we can’t do something. That we are no good at (fill in the blank). That we should quit while we are ahead. Why on earth would we then turn on ourselves and begin doubting ourselves when we are all we’ve got!? I say fuck self-doubt. You want to fly to Nashville and become the next T-swift!? Then I say, “Go do it! But please stick to one genre!” You want to become the top salesperson at your firm? Then I say, “Grow a pair of brass balls and push John down them stairs, and become that top guy!” If you want to be the first female president? Then I say, “Break the glass ceiling, become a bankrupt billionaire, go to Beach Bum and get that spray tan girl, run for political office with zero political experience, and fucking wing that shit! YOU’VE SERIOUSLY GOT THIS!” #Ashleyisms
My tired point is…The point is, you sound like Miss America. It’s honestly not a good look on you. Your Mom might have put you in pageants growing up, but clearly why you only would win Photogenic. You look better on mute. MY POINT IS, everyone who is looked at as a success, all the people you look up to, have studied and idolized, were normal people just like you and me. Speak for yourself. I am not normal. I’m one of a kind!
These successful folks just decided to press the F-IT button and go towards their dreams and goals without Self-Doubt using them. They might have had it for a second, but they didn’t let it knock them down. They didn’t let it paralyze them. They proved not only the critics wrong, but their once was self-doubting asses wrong.
We’ve got one life to live in this glorious hell on Earth. OMG! One Life to Live gives me LIFE! Best show ever! We might as well reach our potential. Take risks, be bold, be crazy, love as hard as you can for as long as you can, sing that tune, chase Hollywood down, do everything in your power to be heard, because YOU can do whatever your heart sets out to do as long as you go after what you want with conviction. With Lust. With drop dead assurance in yourself. Zero room for doubt. Because if you don’t believe in you- why would anyone else? #Ashleyisms
(Throws up two peace signs like a rock star)
Ashley Brooke Walter
I walk outside to have a crisp stinging winter wind bitch slap my face so hard I almost fall over on the icy steps below me. I let out an odd dinosaur sounding half sigh half moan as I attempt to open Lil Rolla 2.0’s door. I stopped Pilates Plus when I moved back home, but there is no way in hell I’m this weak. I give one more final yank to the half frozen shut door. SWOOSH! It creaks free swinging open full force with a gust of wind. The bottom of the door shin kicks me like an obnoxious snot 8-year-old girl shopping at Barney’s would. I curse my existence as I do often. Warming up my car for 15 minutes. How I’ve missed you!
I kinda dislike myself for actually loving the North East the most. It’s like I personally enjoy torturing myself. Of course I wasn’t happy in beautiful sunny warm California where people barely worked. Of course I want to be back in frozen over hell where my frigid bitch persona fits in perfectly and people still call me at 11pm for work…on a Saturday. I once had a girl in LA ask why I wear so much black. I lifted up my huge black sunglasses and replied, “I’m mourning my life.” #Ashleyisms I wasn’t about to admit to this wanna-be hipster (aka- wanna- be living in Bushwick, BK, but doesn’t realize that in small vegan bubble life Silverlake) that I wear mostly black because it hides most of my jigglier bits. There is no hiding your jiggly bits. Your hip width will make for a condominium size space for your babies one day. Everyone in fashion has even told you such!
As I sit there shivering in the cold I decide now’s a good quite time to meditate. By mediate- I mean I simply close my eyes and begin inhaling and exhaling very deeply focusing only on my breath. This always works best for me. Listening intently to my breath reminds me of the ocean’s waves. Which for those of you who don’t know me, I have a yearning for the Sea. No, I’m not basic. I don’t claim to be a #Landmermaid . Maybe I was a pirate in a past life. I do enjoy their code.
Anyway, after 6 minutes of deep breathing, I wasn’t annoyed anymore that my car still felt like the Arctic Circle that’s swaying by wind gusts, that I gave up a warmer climate, that health insurance is more confusing than life itself, that someone I adore is so very far away, or that my scarf doesn’t match my gloves. SOMEONE?! I know everything about you! Who is this person!?
I open my eyes and actually had zero thoughts in my head and glanced at my window. There were these perfect snowflakes slowly running down my window enjoying the last few minutes of life before turning back to water. Yup that’s me. A snowflake killer. I did however snap a picture of it quickly so that I can remember it’s beautiful glory for forever and share it with ya’ll. As I said in my first post, ya’ll are gorgeous lil snowflakes and now maybe you see why I would say that. They are so special and unique in their own way. Every inch of nature really is incredible. Okay. Is she seriously on a bout a fucking snowflake?! Listen Ilse from Frozen get to the point!
I’m just sharing with you that sometimes we need to stop. Really stop and STFU for a second. Tell that voice inside your head, in my case, twenty voices- to simmer down so that you can fully be in a moment #Ashleyisms Try doing this at least once a day if only for a minute. It really changes your whole perception and domineer. You realize what a gift it is to even be conscious in this moment. It’s more than most people can say. Deep breathing or meditation quiets your whole nervous system down. Relieving even just a morsel of stress for a millisecond goes a long way. The voices may go away, but I never will!
If you still like to make fun of yourself like I do, but want to try mediation- this is the best video for you. With positive affirmations like, “Those bitches can’t get under your skin. They can’t even.” “Just feel the fucking nonsense go away.” “Breathe in strength- breathe out bullshit” This man is a genius. I want Jason Headley and I to be bestie after finding this video.
For those of you also like me into this shit, read this article in the Huffington Post on how Meditation scientifically calms the body. You’ll feel educated after reading this. Some biggum words in this here article.
I mean, Jesus meditated, Buddha, the Dali Lama, I think most of India, and monks spend their whole lives meditating. They all seem super docile and happy if you ask me. I mean Ninja’s even meditate! They seem pretty calm until they run after you full speed screaming throwing a Ninja Star at your head. Since I’m jumpier then a kernel of corn about to pop, more emotionally complicated then Chinese Algebra, and more irritable then a poked bear…mediation helps. If you are too lazy to mediate, well then there’s always Xanax or a therapy dog. #Ashleyisms
When will she learn she’s helpless? Plus, I have a real anxiety disorder where I need Xanax and a therapy dog you insensitive blonde bitch of a human being!
Mia darling…breatheeee ;]
(Throws up two peace signs like a rock star)
-Ashley Brooke Walter-
That right there is me. I didn’t even edit or filter the crap out of that selfie so that ya’ll can really know what I look like. REALLY look like- with just a bit of Mascara and tinted moisturizer. I am low maintenance, but a girl should never leave the house without some Mascara, even if it’s clear. The eyelashes flash the windows of our souls. They are statement pieces of the body really. #Ashleyisms -Anyway! That’s Me! Not modeling or acting. Where I have a team of genie’s painting me to perfection with their brushes, or a photographer who later on brushes my flaws away in post. LIER! No seriously! The photo to the right is me writing this blog post with my two cats. The one that looks like a Satanic whoosh is #CharlesXavierTheCat. The orange blob running away from the jaws of death is Sherman- My Mom’s Cat… My laptop fell right after this selfie. I am that crazy cat lady. To set the record straight, I was one before it became Instagram cool. (eye roll) Um okay…EW choke on a hairball lady!
The bold italics btw, is my bitchy stalker’s reaction to reading my blog. Her names is Mia. Yes. I like to pretend I am special enough to have someone stalking me. I know I’m not, but don’t ruin this for me, alright? I don’t have much to desperately cling to because I need validation that badly. I mean, I am an actor, writer, and model. If that doesn’t scream, “I DESPERATLY NEED THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS!!!” I don’t know what does. Anyway, we all should pretend we are special enough to have a stalker. 2nd #Ashleyisms given! Know you are special enough that people want, and do in fact stalk you. See! Someone cares about you enough to creep on your life. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Blogs, technology in general, is always stalking you my friends. Yes! Even if you turned off iCloud on your photos…someone who shouldn’t somewhere has your nudes. Accept it. I did. I mean check this article out in the NY TIMES. I know Carey on Homeland was shady, but not this shady! https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/08/technology/personaltech/defense-against-cia-hacking.html?_r=0
Yup- Like Santa, the CIA is always watching! (Waves to camera on my MacBook Air) :]
Also, #Ashleyisms are either quotes or advice by me. Egotistical Maniac! I know I am, and I LOVE THAT FACT about me, myself, and I!
Moving on… I’m 26 years old. Really? Your fine lines say ATLEAST 29. Thank God! 25 was horrid. 25 was that year that forced me to grow up and realize I am 5 years from 30 and need to get my shit together, or somewhat together. Okay, not together at all! Just pay tons of bills, have all types of insurance, and pretend I’m somewhat of an adult. Yes, I said God before. Am I hella religious? Absolutely not.
Ugh! The Catholic in me feels terrible guilt for saying that now.
I’m actually very “Spiritual.”
Now the Catholic in me just sprinkled me with Holy water for the sinner I have become.
Hmm…Come to think of it? I actually wish there WAS a Catholic IN me…I haven’t had sex in months!... I digress! ;]
Even though I said the words hella and spiritual, I must clarify I’m not from LA. I just lived there for a year and a half. It feels GOOD to be back home in New York. I had no idea what a New Yorker I was until I left. What can I say? I’m a brat. I don’t realize what I have until it’s gone. I’ll admit it. I’ll admit to a lot of things in this here blog. I am not PC. I won’t be PC for the sake of being PC either. I may offend some people. I’m off the cuff, I don’t particularly care if I offend you, used the verb wrong, forgot a comma, spelled something wrong. Oh yah, you know who you are reading this and already ripping on my writing. You can get the hell off my Blog! (Points angrily to that little “X” on the top right hand corner of your screen.) There’s the virtual door! LEAVE! I’m just kidding. I’m not mad, but I’ll pretend to care to entertain your anal ways.
Haha I just said anal in my first blog post. :]
I’m sarcastic. I have no idea if my sarcastic smart ass will shine through these words. I sure hope it does. I tend to curse a lot, so if I offend you with my language I apologize. (Points to the little "X" on the right hand side of your screen again,)
I contradict myself often. I play devil’s advocate. I lie in the middle of every issue. Seriously, I lie there. I’m a very sleepy woman. Some say I fear committing to anything or fear accountability for my actions/mouth. To those people I say, Yes. You have a valid point. I’m working on it. Probably until the day I die. #Ashleyisms Why do you think I fear having kids? That’s just a walking accountability of my actions that one night I decided to not use protection with a future husband that I still can’t fully admit I committed myself to. What an asshole. Yes. Yes, I am fully aware I’m an asshole and a bit of a cunt. TRASH TRASH TRASH! Who uses that language!? Most actors, comedians, and like everyone in the UK. Chill Mia.
I love all things Disney. Winnie the Pooh is my spirit animal #Ashleyisms. Sometimes I’m super cute. Other times, I’m the spawn of Satan plotting to take the souls of the world with all the cats by my side aiding me. Sometimes I laugh at evil things, or random violence, or scenes in Quentin Tarantino films that are so violent people stare at me in the theater for being a sociopath. Other times, I’m quite AF taking in all of my surroundings enjoying the beauty of the world around me, gaining energy from the vast universe. Yes, Buddha like I am. For those of you not cool enough to pick up on this…I said that like Yoda. As you can see I have many sides. My shrink says, “Multiple Personality Disorder” We have a good laugh at how dramatic she is every Wednesday. #Ashleyisms That’s SO insensitive! My aunt Milly has that Disorder. (Feverishly writes bad review.)
Honestly, I am a twenty something…I’m a walking disaster. If it seems I have my shit together I most likely do not, but I appreciate you thinking I do. I embrace the mess. I never say the right thing nor will I ever. More than once a month, I too lash out in fits of passionate rage. Some of you will get me, others won’t. Some of you will find me hilarious others won’t. It’s really okay. You will never be everyone’s cup of tea. I embrace my crazy and not so perfect self. Perhaps it’s because I read, “YOU ARE A BADASS” by Jen Sincero. http://www.jensincero.com I tell everyone to read this book and no one listens to me!
Honestly, you should never listen to me. If you happen to though, read this book. It changed my life. It will do marvelous things for you if you put in the honest work. Now I am not going to be one of those eye roll worthy positive rainbows and butterfly blogs. Nor will I talk about gluten free, sugar free, vegan friendly, flavor free foods either. Nothing against those things of course, it’s just not me to talk about those types of things. It’s not me to talk about shit about fuck in a blog either. YET! Here I am typing away…so Fuck it! Maybe I will one day blog about health nut foods. As you can see, I never say never. Just like Justin Bieber. I’m not a fan of his though, just agree with his quote and/or movie title. GASPS! -_- I most definitely will blog about food often. I love food. I love pie. I don't have a sweet tooth. I'm just a fatass.
As I mentioned, I never saw myself as the blogging type. I wrote a contemporary romance novel and plan on writing two more in the series, as well as one day writing a snarky self-help book. Yes. I am a bit of a romantic. Don’t tell anyone though. I pretend to not have a heart. So when my theatrical agent, ML, came out excitedly, “YOU SHOULD WRITE A BLOG!”
I immediately scoffed at her with a big huge, “EW! Me? Write A BLOG?! I know I sold out and did a stint in LA, but don’t be offensive. I didn’t drink the tap.” #Ashleyisms
I actually did drink the tap in LA- it tasted like shit compared to NY tap water. Working as a server, I learned all about the negatives from my guests on the tap water and how I should never admit to drinking it. I learned a shit ton of utter nonsense from my guests in LA, but that is a different entry entirely. I digress. I’ll digress a lot btw, so try and keep up with my rambling.
I will post a lot of advice/musings on life. Most advice will be given ironically, sarcastically, spastically, and rudely. I’ll give advice for/on men, women, and children of all ages! Actually not children. They repulse me. Says a former nanny/babysitter. They actually don’t, but like my romantic side, I like to pretend I don’t like children. Admitting to a man or a child you LIKE them is just unwise. #Ashleyisms You can’t let these little shits know your weakness admitting a like for them. That gives them the upper hand. Fuck that. You let them work for your attention and undying love. Let them worship the ground you walk on. Let them know you grace them with your presence like the Yass! Queen! that you are …Not the other way around.
See that! My advice giving has already begun! I know a lot about a little and this is why my life’s so full of loved ones! (Looks around empty room. Sees #CharlesXavierTheCat.) God she is pathetic! Little joke. I’m actually not alone. I take pride in having a full life. What is a career and success without loved ones around to share it with and laugh at you? #Ashleyisms See. I contradict myself ;)
I will post a lot of advice on life in general. Take it or leave it. I won’t be offended either way. I’ll post wonderful advice for actors and models. Says the girl writing a fucking blog with no epically amazing success behind her. I am agency represented all over the US and have done some pretty cool things… so don’t be too much of a critic of me okay? Plus, you can learn from my mistakes?
I’ll share things to do in Manhattan, things to do outside of Manhattan in the beautiful Hudson Valley where I am from and currently living again... with Mom and Dad. Ok. Yes. I admit when I’m pathetic too. No shame here. LA put me terribly in the red. I need to save up to move back into Manhattan in a few months with someone. OMG FINALLY! Something interesting!!! She said someone!? Is it a man? A woman? Is it a friend? Is it more!? The suspense is killing me!
Wow. Look at all this sharing I’ve already done! My therapist would be so proud of me! I actually don’t have a therapist. One would have a field day with me though. For starters, I still sleep with my stuffed animal from childhood. I know. Fucked up- fully aware of it. As they say, the first step of change is admitting there is a problem. I admit. There is no problem. Geezus she really does need help!
I welcome any slander, harsh words, hate of any kind. Remember that is a reflection of you not me. I welcome comments, questions, suggestions you may have for me. I feel similarly to Henry David Thoreau when he said, “The greatest compliment that was ever paid to me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” Just when you thought I was another annoying blonde girl named Ashley writing a blog- I will sprinkle some wise words onto you. Why?
I like keeping people guessing on who I am as a person. #Ashleyisms We live in a society that wants to compartmentalize, type cast, pigeon hole, “be” a certain way/thing so that everything is understood clearly. I said fuck that a long time ago. I don’t want to be just one thing/way neither should you. I never care about “fitting in” I’m just me. Take me or leave me. I’m just human being human. It’s all beautifully chaotic. If that is one thing you take from this first entry take it. BE YOU. After all, you are the only you on this vast and wonderful planet, so be the best crazy, silly, funny, not funny, talented, untalented, queer, straight, yellow, brown, smart, dumb, fucked up you, you can possibly be! You gorgeous lil snowflake you! :) That was kind of PC? I did say I contradict myself!
Anyway, here is Chuck Norris kicking a salt shaker at an old man’s nose in a health-care commercial
(Throws up two peace signs like a rock star)
-Ashley Brooke Walter-
This is the longest Blog post I will ever write. This was too much work. ;]
Hey there! I hope my sarcastic humor transends off your screen or you may find me obnoxious. Which is OK with me! After all, I am a New Yorker as well as an American. (Yes. I love stereotypes when applicable.)